Weight and Dating- Thoughts from a Southern Girl

So, I apologize in advance for taking so long to complete this series.  But, hey, life happens.  In any event, I do want to thank my friend Harold Fisher from “The Daily Drum” for even asking me to be a guest on his show.  If I can be honest, when he first approached me, I was a little put-off.  Mainly because I’ve never referred to myself as “plus-sized”, although I know what size I wear and am well aware of the fact that I am not what one would call “skinny” or “average” or whatever “nice” word people use when referring to a woman’s size.  But because I thought it would be fun, I could experience something new, he and I had talked about my coming on the show for awhile (for a totally different topic) and I’m slightly narcisstic (who doesn’t like a little shine?!), I thought, “What the heck?!” and told him I would come.  I did have a great experience on the show, and hopefully Harold will invite me back again… *wink, wink*

For those of you that tuned in, you know that Harold was very narrow in the topics that he wanted to discuss, so I couldn’t share all of my thoughts with the airwaves.  I mean, the show was only an hour AND I wasn’t the only guest.  To be fair, I’ll answer the questions I asked every one else and expound on some things I wasn’t able to share on the show. 

While I could never date a morbidly obese man,  I have been attracted to plus size men.  One of my first crushes as a teenager was a big dude.  And yes, I have dated plus size men-actually 2 within the last 2 years.  The first guy, who I’ve know for a while, is my age, and while he’s not your typical “plus-size” guy, he has a belly.  He does bike regularly and participates in other forms of exercise, but for the most part, he’s always been a little pudgy.  The 2nd man I dated, I only went out with once.  He’s a little older (with a protruding belly), and while he does coach a sports team, I’m not sure of his exercise regimen.  But one of the things that made him very unattractive was his breathing.  After we had dinner, I noticed that he was breathing rather heavily…and we were just sitting down.  To me, that was a total turn-off.  I’m not sure if that was related to his weight, but I’m 99% sure it was.  Now, would I encourage my overweight mate to lose weight?  Honestly, it would depend on the circumstances.  As others have stated, if his health was in jeopardy, absolutely.  But if I were to encouage him to lose weight, then I would need to turn the mirror to myself as well. 

When it comes to dating, I like to feel like my mate can protect me physically.  Not saying that there would ever be a time when he would need to defend my honor, but if he had to, I want to know my man can take care of the job. I know for a fact that’s why I prefer taller men (think 5’10” minimum).  Yes, I’m only 5’4″, but a girl needs to feel protected (plus, I like to wear heels-I wore heels so much the last guy I dated thought I was 5’7″).  And I don’t particularly like skinny men.  If your waist is the same size as Prince, we have a problem.  As I stated on the show, my weight has never been a topic of discussion for anyone I was dating, meaning no man has ever brought it up.  I think men know that there are some topics that must be treaded lightly with women, and her weight is one of them. 

Well, those are my thoughts on weight and dating.  If you haven’t chimed in yet, feel free to do so.  Or if you’ve already chimed in but want to respond to something I’ve said, feel free!  Until next time, I’m just a Southern girl…in the city!

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Weight and Dating- Part 5

Here’s the final installment (minus my thoughts) on Weight and Dating.  Today, we hear from J. Rose, a married, 29 year old man from Atlanta, GA that currently lives in Mystic, CT. 

In regards to finding overweight women attractive– It really depends on your preference in women and what you consider overweight. Personally, I’m not attracted to really big girls but I don’t mind a thick chick…or as my dad would say girls that are “a hamburger away” from being big.

In regards to dating a plus-size woman- Again it depends on what you consider a plus size woman. I’m pretty positive I have never dated a plus size woman. Maybe they’re plus size now but they weren’t when we dated. I have dated my share of thick girls though.

In regards to encouraging his plus-size mate to exercise/lose weight– If you care about someone, you want him or her to be healthy. Everyone can’t change their body type or their size. I’m a big guy and even with exercise & a healthy diet I will never be as skinny some smaller people. It’s just the nature of the beast. I think the important thing is to be healthy. A healthy me isn’t the same size as a healthy you. I understand that it can be a touchy subject for people who are overweight. It doesn’t feel good to have anyone point out your flaws…especially someone who has never experienced being overweight. To sum it up, I would encourage my wife/girlfriend to exercise but I would try to participate in the diet and/or exercise. It’s a touchy subject so I wouldn’t push it. I would offer help and encouragement.

I want to thank J. Rose and all of the other participants for being transparent, open, and honest and allowing me to interview them.  If you haven’t read the other posts on Weight and Dating, I strongly suggest you do.  Tomorrow, I share my thoughts.  And it seems like everybody and their momma is now blogging and talking about this same topic.  I think I started something. 😉  Until next time, I’m just a Southern girl…in the city!

Weight and Dating- Part 4

Southern Mom is in town visiting, so I’ve been playing hostess/tourist.  While I have a few moments, I’ll continue posting in my “Weight and Dating” series.  Today we hear from Ms. Jenn and Dez.

Ms. Jenn is a 28 year old woman who is born, raised, and currently living in Washington, DC.

I’ve been in a relationship for the past 6 years, and I am a size 18.

I would like to start by saying I’m honored to render my opinions on this topic. It’s the story of my frigging life. I absolutely, positively, 100% find plus size men attractive. My first crush was Ice Cube in “Boyz in the Hood”, and we all know he was rocking a lil baby fat in ‘91. In fact it is my preference to date bigger men…could this be because I’m a bigger gal? I’ve often asked myself this, and I’ve decided that my weight has nothing to do with it. Aesthetically, I enjoy the look of a bigger man’s body, the softness of his belly, and the way his clothes fit him as opposed to just hanging on a thin frame. Again these are just my opinions not the gospel!

So since I feel this way about big men it’s obvious that I will date them. The man I’ve been dating for the past 6 years is plus sized, and I love all 280 lbs. of him! I love the way he looks in and out of his clothes and find that he pays attention to that and shows off for me!

So would I encourage him to loose weight? Only if I was ASKED to solicit my opinion! When my mate got into a car accident 2 years ago, he sustained a knee injury that kept him off work and on the couch for 6 months. Needless to say…he picked up about 25 lbs. Now I didn’t mind it a bit, but he complained about the extra pounds and said it was affecting his asthma. He asked me if I would jog with him and change the cooking until he came off the weight. I did, and within weeks of doing that and him going back to work, the pounds were gone, and I was back to the regular program. I’m just saying its not about weight…its about being comfortable and confident with yourself and going for what you really like instead of being bothered with other folks’ shallow bull. Live life on your own terms and embrace all of yourself.

Dez is a 32 year old newly engaged man hailing from Hilton Head, SC that currently lives in Atlanta, GA.

My response to this subject is that we are living in a superficial world where everyone thinks that you need to be a certain size in order to be found attractive. Females have it extra hard because of the things that we see on television and in the movies, but for me my fiancé is not a size 6 but she has the perfect body for me. I consider my fiancé a curvy female and that is my preference. Living in Atlanta, I definitely see all kinds of shapes and sizes and a lot of females that live here actually work out non-stop. My fiancé works out in order to maintain her figure. I honestly feel that if a person wants to get in shape it should be for the right reasons, such as living a longer life, living healthier, and eating better. Getting in shape shouldn’t come as a result of trying to find someone to date.

Why is it females who are considered plus size are insecure about their appearance? I know plenty of females who are larger than their other halves, but also they are all African American as opposed to other races. African American men tend to like females that have a little size to them. In my book, I feel as long as you are happy with the way you look and you are healthy, a woman should not have to alter her looks in order to find someone to date or to be accepted into society.

Thanks to Jenn and Dez for their participation.  We’re almost done with our series, then I’ll be sharing my personal thoughts.  Until next time, I’m just a Southern girl…in the city!

Weight and Dating- Part 3

As promised, today we hear from Ms. Toni and Bishop Williams (clearly not his real name). 

And for those of you wondering, yes, I have my own thoughts, which I will share with you at the conclusion of this series.  🙂

Ms. Toni is a single, 38 year old woman originally from Saginaw, MI that now resides in Beltsville, MD.

I am a plus size woman. In other terms I am overweight. Obese to be factual, but I don’t have any weight related medical issues (Diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol etc). I like who I am and although there are a few things I’d like to change, for the most part, I enjoy my body. When I see another overweight/ obese person (depending on how he is shaped), yes, I find some of them very attractive. If asked if you are attracted to overweight/plus size people, a lot of people shirk at the idea. That’s why I believe they came up with alternative names for larger people– Plush, Thick, Soft, Big Boned. They use these terms in order to not just say the harsh reality. “I’m attracted to heavier people.” Some will even say they prefer a fit, slimmer person, but when no one is looking they are really undercover “chubby chasers” – winking at and admiring the large confident person walking by. I also believe that this question is equivalent to asking if you like sugar cookies or chocolate chip; everyone has their preference, and you can’t get mad at their answer.

Because of my size, I like to look at a man and feel like we would have a great wrestling match in the bedroom, without any worry of me squishing him. I also enjoy the feeling when I snuggle up with a big man. Having a live Teddy Bear works for my smile! I do need to clarify- I enjoy dating plus size, confident men who have pride in themselves. A well groomed, nice smelling big boy with confidence in his walk will have me walking over smiling, asking “How you doin’?!” *Wendy Williams voice* So not only have I dated plus size men in the past, I prefer it.  I’m a Big and Tall men’s store stalker. But again, it all depends on how his body is shaped.

 Because I don’t want to incur any weight related health issues I try to stay semi-active. Not necessarily a gym rat but I’ll take a good walk, climb stairs, and dance around to cut out the huffing and puffing during normal movement. Would I push my health ideals of what he needs to do on him?  No.  I would let him know what I am doing and ask him to join me. The choice is entirely his. But, if I see some weight related issues going on (sleep apnea, heavy breathing, irregular sweating, etc.) I’d suggest for him to seek a doctor’s opinion/care. If I notice that he grossly eats, I’d encourage him to make a few changes to his diet along with me and again, it’s his choice.

 So to sum this up, I love a plus size man. As long as he is well groomed, confident, shaped well, and based on how he views and takes care of his health.

Bishop Williams is a single, 29 year old man that currently lives in his hometown of Houston, TX.

This question for me is not a yes or no answer.  With that being said, my answer is, “It depends.”  I can’t say that I am not or never have been attracted to some overweight women, but when it comes to dating, I do prefer a smaller woman.  That is not to say I would not ever date an overweight woman, but she’d just have to get my attention in another way first.  I like pretty women, first and foremost, so if I meet an overweight woman with a pretty face, she has a chance.  Now let me clarify that a pretty face is just a start.  If she has the right attitude and a nice personality among other things that I look for, then we can talk.  Now in order for us to get serious, with all things being equal, I’d have to see a concerted effort on her part to live healthy (eating, drinking, exercising and sleeping), which will ultimately bring her down to her optimum weight.  The primary reason that overall health and appearance are a big deal to me in terms of a mate is because they are a big deal to me personally.  I would not ask a mate to do anything that I wouldn’t do or am already doing.  I personally think overall health is important from a physical, spiritual, mental, and emotional standpoint.  The physical, in my opinion, somewhat serves as a window for one to see what may be going on inside and/or behind the scenes.  And yes, if I did meet an overweight woman whom I clicked with, I would do my part to encourage her to live healthy, but only if she made it up in her mind that that is what she wants to do. 

Thanks to Ms. Toni and Bishop Williams!  (Did ya’ll see how short his response was?!?! Kidding!)  Be sure to comment folks.  I know you ALL have an opinion.  Until next time, I’m just a Southern girl…in the city!

Weight and Dating- Part 2

Today, we hear from Chardonnay and Chalant!

Chardonnay is a 30 year old married woman currently living in Mystic, CT and hails from Atlanta, GA.

Do I think men who are overweight are attractive?  I personally think it’s how you carry yourself and dress for your body type.   I’ve seen some big girls/guys STAY fly/fresh and that IS attractive to me.  I’ve also seen big girls/guys look bigger and frumpier because they don’t dress right for their body type.  I mean you can’t help what genes you got–some people are just naturally big and that’s okay.  There is somebody out there that loves and is attracted to that–like me.  There are also people who are attracted to slim folks and some people that are attracted to personality types or skin complexions and others that are attracted to pretty faces or long hair–everyone has different tastes.  That’s why we don’t all look the same. I just think bigger people get the short end because the media has focused on thin being BEST when it’s just different.

Yes (I would date an overweight man), but initially the fictitious man I thought I wanted was what society has raised us as women to want–prince charming–tall dark and handsome.  None of Disney’s princes were chubby–and all the princesses had 17 inch waists!  Is that real? No, but the same way romantic comedies aren’t real and women expect relationships to be like them (I digress).  I had no control over what attracted me–my significant other is big and has always been “not skinny”, but he still charmed me, and I fell for him.  He is confident and handsome and I love the extra meat on his bones ;). *This is after I dated a few prince charming body types and found them to be boring and at times self absorbed.  

I would encourage him/her to be his/her best self, not to necessarily lose weight.  If your vitals are good, health is good, you are eating right and exercising as you should–as anyone should–and indulge occasionally then cool.  But yes I would encourage exercise if the doctor said so (i.e. lose weight).  But I’ve also encouraged my size 2 best friend to exercise because she doesn’t.  Heart health is what’s important.  If you are “large and in charge” despite your healthy eating and exercising then cool, but if you are big or even obese because you hit up McDonald’s daily and watch reality tv for hours on end then don’t get an attitude–because you aren’t being your best self.  And that’s an injustice to nobody but you baby.

I think an important question to add is, “Are you or have you ever been overweight?”  That gives you perspective for how folks answer these questions.  I was a little more insensitive to this 10 years ago because I have never gone through those feelings–but now that I’m married to a man that has–he has really opened my eyes to how one thinks and feels and is ridiculed and constantly judged from cohorts to parents to coaches to workplace discrimination….

Chalant is a 33 year old single man originally from Brooklyn that currently splits his time between Laurel, MD and Newport News, VA.

Sorry, but I don’t find them (overweight women) attractive. I may think that she looks beautiful, appealing, or lovely, but I never have the thought to myself “I think that she is sexy” or “I want to have sex with her.”  I know that this next comment won’t make things much better, but I feel the same way about White Women of all sizes. I can look at white women and think to myself, “I think she is killing that dress and those shoes” but won’t think to myself, “I can date her.”

I don’t think that I would (date a plus-size woman). I am at the stage in my life, where I want a wife, a mate, something more than a chill girlfriend. I realize that I am limiting my list of single good Black women, but again that why it is called a preference.  Also, I always think about the future. Am I going to find her attractive in a couple of months? What are some potential health problems? If we had sex, will it get lost? I know those questions seem wrong on all aspects, but those are just some of the things that go in my mind.

However, I don’t know if this is the underlying problem. I believe that the majority of the single, available, dating population within the DMV is very “PRETENTIOUS”. People want to date someone that is better looking than their “ex” or has a better occupation/making comparable money to what they are making. When single people are having conversations with their friends concerning “a person of interest”, some of the 1st questions that tend to arise are “What does she do?”, “Where does she work?”, “How does she look?”

When those responses aren’t satisfying to their “so-called” friends, interests tends to die down, because the word “settling” gets thrown into the conversation. I’m not a saint. I fit that mold a lot.

Thanks to Chardonnay and Chalant!  Next time, we hear from Ms. Toni and Bishop Williams.  Until next time, I’m just a Southern girl…in the city!