You’re Bad For My Spirit

The older I have gotten, I have realized that, in dealing with the opposite sex, that it is of the utmost importance to take care of yourself first.  Not your man.  Not your woman. No one else but you. YOU.  If you allow them, people will suck the life out of you and take all of  you.  Why?  Because people are selfish as f*ck.

About two years ago, I met a guy (I’m sure I’ve referenced him here before; I just don’t feel like going back and linking previous posts) at an alumni event.  The first year passed without much incident. That second year…. We went on dates, we hung out, we laughed, things were good. Until they weren’t.  The last time he and I spoke in August, I told him that we should make a clean break, and if we see each other in the street, we say “What’s up?” and keep it moving.

Earlier this week, my phone rings.  I think it’s my eye doctor, so I answer. It’s this dude. (Huh????) He says he’s calling to find out if I’m going to a football game our alma mater is having later this month and that I crossed his mind and he thought about me.  I asked him if he remembered our last conversation, to which he replied yes.  This is then how the conversation went:

Me: If you remembered then I don’t think you would be calling me. 

Him: Why do you say that? 

Me: Because I told you that we should make a clean break.  But here you are calling me after three months.  A few weeks after our conversation, I told a friend of mine about you, and she was playing devil’s advocate.  She thought that maybe I should give you the benefit of the doubt and that I didn’t make myself clear with what I wanted while we were dealing with each other.  

Him: OK.

Me: So that there is no confusion, I don’t like talking to you.  You’re bad for my spirit.

Him: Oh, that’s cryptic. 

Me: How so?  

Him: Uhhhhh…

Me: If you don’t understand, say so so that I can explain it to you. 

Him: I don’t understand. 

Me: Then I’ll explain it to you.  I’m in my 30s. I’m passed the point in my life where I’m dating just to date.   And I’m done going back and forth with you.  Over the past two years, it’s been up and down and sometimes we’re dating and sometimes we’re not. So we just need to cut our losses and keep it moving. 

Him: Ok.

Me: So, again, so that I can make it clear, I don’t want to be your friend.  You keep popping back up in my life and I’ve got way too much going on to try to figure out what you want from me every few months.  So you have fun with whatever you’re doing tonight, tomorrow, whenever. Bye.

Today, this post is for ladies in general.  Single ladies in particular. Those single ladies that have had to deal with men that take us for granted.  Those men that feel they can play with our emotions.  Those men that are sometime-y.  Those men that are non-committal. Those men that feel like they can treat us any ol’ type of way.  And think that we are going to stay around to put up with it. Take back yourself, ladies. Take back your strength. Take back your independence. Take back your courage. And let these men know that we’re not putting up with their sh*t anymore.  We deserve better.  And these boys that think they’re men are going to continue to treat us this way if we allow it.  So demand better.  Treat yourself better.  You deserve it.  Don’t let these boys mess with your spirit; they’re not worth it.

Until next time, I’m just a Southern girl…in the city.

Companion: Requested 

This weekend I hung out with a sorority sister of mine that I have not seen in AGES!  It was to the point that she had me paranoid and thinking I had done something to her because it had been so long since we’ve seen each other. She’s a few years younger than me and is engaged. I love her and her fiancée and their relationship.  They have the same goals and he has helped her realize some of her dreams.

As it typically goes when I catch up with a girlfriend that I haven’t seen in a long time, she asked me the predictable question-“So, are you seeing anyone?” Surprisingly Sadly Fortunately Hell, I just told her “no”.  After running down the last few guys that had my attention within the past year, I told her that “I really just want a partner. A companion. I don’t need a guy to spend money on me or buy me a house or get me things.  I can do that myself. I want a man who can be my support, someone that I can depend on, and who can be there during the rough times.  And I want to be the same for him.  And at the end of the day, we pool our resources together to get a bigger house and more resources to raise our family.  It would be  so much easier if guys got that.”

Her response? “Elle, that’s the perfect description of what a relationship is. (The companion piece)”

So, to the single men reading this, that’s really what women want. Well, that’s what this woman wants.  Sure, we need to date and communicate and do things together. And yes, I would love to get “just because” flowers or get taken out for a night out or just do something with just the two of us. But when it’s all said and done-you need to be working on making me a life partner.  The end.

Until next time, I’m just a Southern girl…in the city.

“You’ve Got a Great Personality!”

These are the words that were spoken to me yesterday by a co-worker before she stated she couldn’t understand why I’m still single.  I love her to life, she’s funny, and we play off of each other ALL DAY.  But almost of the blue yesterday, she made mention that she was talking to her husband (lovely man) about me this past weekend during their discussion of relationships.

But in addition to my having a “great personality”, apparently I’m too picky.  These words are like hearing, “You’re pretty-for a big girl.”  I immediately responded and told her that I’m not picky-I’m selective, and I’m not going to be a relationship with someone just because.  My last ex-boyfriend (I used that word VERY loosely) couldn’t understand that (that’s why he’s an ex), but maybe my co-worker will.  Not that it’s really any of her business.  I know she means well, but I’ve (somewhat) gotten to a place where I am truly happy working on Elle and am ok with being single.

Sure there are days where I desire the love and affection of a mate.  But I’m not willing to compromise myself to get it.  And just because I’m in my 30s doesn’t mean I’m going to start accepting any old thing that comes my way because I feel like time is running out.  When things like that happen, we make our situations MUCH worse.  And at times we end of not only disrupting our lives but also the lives of others.

So, in short, if you know someone who is single, just let them live.  If they are interested in you searching for someone for them or want to discuss their love life (or lack thereof), they’ll let you know.

Until next time, I’m just a Southern girl…in the city!

I Should Have Stayed On My Hiatus

Awhile back a dude approached me.  He seemed nice, was attractive, and said all the right things.  Despite my reservations, we became official.  He talked a good game – he was older and divorced but stated he was tired of dating and wanted to re-marry.  And was open to having more children (he already has one).  So, I decided to be open and give a relationship with him a go.  After not hearing from him for 72 hours (yes I called and left a message), I decided that I was done and whatever we had was over.  Which apparently was on his mind as well, because he decided to tell me that I could date other people…via a text message.  (I swear I can’t make this stuff up.)  I feel like he took the coward’s way out.  He’s a man of a certain age, so he should at least have been ballsy enough to pick up the phone.  Yes, I understand that this may not seem like a big deal to some, but it was for me.  Despite the fact I let my guard down and opened up to this man, I told myself that 2016 was the Year of Elle.  No dating, no relationships-just focusing on myself and school.  They always say that love comes when you least expect it, and please believe I was not expecting this man to walk into my life.  However, I should have known to trust my gut.  And if that leads to others thinking I’m cynical, I don’t care.  I’d rather protect my heart than to look like a fool.

Oh, and the guy from this post….GREAT conversation last night!  Because long distance relationships have not worked for him in the past, he will not date me because we live 6 hours apart.  Which I’m totally ok with.  I said we could just be friends and that would be fine by me.  However… he ended the conversation with, “Good night, beautiful”.  I had to let him know that that was not acceptable; we’re not dating, and we’re just friends, so there’s no need to blur the lines with terms of endearment.

No more dating for Elle in 2016.  I mean it.  I am TOTALLY going to focus on me and getting my stuff together for school, my physical health, and my mental capacity.  I just don’t have the energy anymore to put into “potentials” that may not go anywhere.  Until next time, I’m just a Southern girl…in the city!

 

The Beginning of Something New

At the end of 2014, I met a guy.  We spoke, we laughed, we joked, but we didn’t take things seriously, and eventually, we stopped communicating.  Or maybe I didn’t take things seriously.  He was significantly younger than me, plus he lived 6 hours away.  Not to mention I wasn’t really focused on dating since I had way too much going on in other aspects of my life.  Fast forward 5 months, and we start talking again.  During the month of July we hangout for an extended amount of time.  What I thought might be awkward wasn’t.  It may have been the most comfortable I’ve felt with a man ever.  It was at that time, homeboy realized he was serious about me.  Like REALLY serious.  And as TyAnthony likes to accuse me of, I enjoyed the attention, I’ll admit.  And I have been known to date men because of how much they are in to me and not necessarily because I’m into them.  So, I had to think and reflect – did I like this guy?  If I did like him, was it genuine?  Or, once again, did I like him based on how much he liked me?  And, did I even want to like him?

I have been known to keep a wall up.  I thought this was something only I knew, but TyAnthony and Antonio  called me out on it. So, after awhile, I decided if homeboy was going to be serious, I was going to be serious, too. Let my guard down, be open and honest, and lay my cards on the table.  So I am slowly giving him all of me.

So far so good, although two potential things (well really one) almost put a halt on things.  Well, maybe they were more to serve as a distraction.  First, a few weeks ago, I met a man while I was out with my linesisters.  We struck up a conversation, exchanged numbers, and made plans to hang out.  We danced, and his parting words were, “I’m not looking to be your friend. I’m looking for my life partner.”  Well, seemed like I was batting 1000 because you all know I like to keep my options open.  Sad to say, after one outing, ol’ boy disappeared.  Honestly, it was probably for the best as he has one non-negotiable that is at the top of my list.  The second distraction was an old beau that called out of the random blue.  (I probably should change my phone number.)

In any event, I decided to be open.  I had to tell myself, “Elle, if this man is really into you, he’s telling you the right things, more importantly DOING the right things, give him a chance and be open.”  So, that’s what we’re doing.  Yes, I told him about this blog, but I doubt that he has read it yet.  (Just my luck he’ll read this post.)  Anyway, wish me luck.  I am excited to see what happens.  Until next time, I’m just a Southern girl…in the city!

I Have Awesome Friends

I had a birthday party when I turned 16.  Southern Mom made me invite an old friend…we’ll call her Alicia.  We had been friends for about 3 years, until about two months prior.  I’m not sure why I didn’t care for Alicia anymore, but my mom made me invite her because she included me in her birthday plans, which was about three months before mine.  At my party, I didn’t really talk to her too much, and she ended up spending most of her time with my “crush”, Anthony.  Anthony was my middle school boyfriend and ended up being my prom date two years later.  But at the time, I was too…teenager-y to admit that I really liked Anthony.  In any event, my two best friends Shayla and Carmen had my back at my birthday party.  As we huddled up and watched Alicia and Anthony, I distinctly remember them not liking Alicia even more because she was all over “my” man.  We did what girls tend to do-being snarky, petty, and vicious.  I’m not sure if Alicia felt our eyes on her and Anthony for most of the night, but I felt awesome since my girls had my back.

Southern Cousin is probably one of the people I’m closest to.  Yes, we’re family, but I honestly feel that if we weren’t related, we would be friends. (Hopefully she feels the same way.)  Even though most times when I reach out to her, she always thinks something’s wrong, her first concern is that I’m always ok.  She indulges me when I need to vent, she always offers great advice, and she even laughs at me in all of my ridiculousness (which is actually a good thing).  Southern Cousin brings me down to earth and reiterates that the stuff I think is pseudo life or death really isn’t that serious.

My linesister, Vanessa, and I have always had a great relationship, before we even pledged.  But I think our sisterhood has solidified our friendship.  As I was taking her to the airport a few weeks ago, I was relating how a person really close to me kinda did me dirty…and how I’ve always done nice things for them, not because I was expecting something in return, but because that’s who I am as a person.  I also told her how Southern Dad was kinda annoyed at the situation as well and how he kept reiterating that I needed to be sure I’m not taken advantage because of my nice, kind nature.  It was funny how she felt the same way he did-she was PISSED!  And I so appreciated it.

Over my life, I have been blessed with having awesome friends come into my life.  They support me, the entertain my wacky ideas, and they always have my back.  Hopefully, you’ve been blessed to have great people come into your life.  Until next time, I’m just a Southern girl…in the city!

Names have been changed to protect the guilty. 🙂

Revamping My Dating Habits

Man and Woman Drinking at Bar

I have a friend, we’ll call her Michelle, who loves getting to know new people. When you talk to her, she’s so engaging that she makes you feel as if everything you said is the most interesting thing she’s ever heard. She’s confident, not cocky, and has the ridiculous ability to connect with people she just met. Not surprisingly, this girl has no problem in situations where she doesn’t know anyone. Her congeniality and charisma has gained her a great group of friends and helped her receive an offer for every job she’s ever interviewed for. But arguably more impressive, this girl has never had a bad first date.

I know.

Granted, it’s not like Michelle has a revolving door of men in and out of her life, but I would think even hitting 5-6 first dates and they’ve all been good is pretty damn impressive.

I have to admit, I held onto a little contempt for her since I’ve had my fair share of bad dates. But then I started thinking about some of the reasons she gave for why she thinks that they usually go so well, and admittedly, I realized there are a few things that I could be doing to make my dates better too.

One thing I learned I need to work on is giving people the benefit of the doubt. Everyone wants to put on their best impression during a first date. But there are plenty of things that could cause people to be off their game on a first date. Of course there are nerves, but sometimes, there are other things that might be making them uneasy. For example, my co-worker once told me that he had to leave a date early because he had horrible gas after eating a Fiber One bar. Apparently these things are no joke. There’s even a message board dedicated to the topic on My Fitness Pal, and the comments span over three years. The poor guy had no idea the bars caused such “unpleasant” side effects. He simply couldn’t stand it any longer, and had to cut the date short. His date left thinking he was a squirming weirdo and declined his invitation for a rain check.

When your date seems to be a little on edge (hopefully from nerves, not gas), Michelle says she’s tries to reassure them by saying something along the lines of “I was a little nervous but I’m having a great time!” or she compliments them on their restaurant choice or wardrobe.

And it’s not just Michelle that thinks it’s a smart idea.  A blogger over at “Adam and Eve” said that, “Most ladies will try and make an anxious date feel more comfortable,” in a recently shared dating guide for guys blog post. I tend to be more passive and I suppose I usually just absent-mindedly hope that the guy will make me feel more comfortable. I guess I figured that because he asked me out, he was confident and didn’t need reassurance. Now I’ll be more conscious about being just as complimentary to the guy as he is to me.

She also said that if her date’s nerves seem to be getting the best of them, she tries to take the reigns a little throughout the night. To engage her date, she asks them questions about things that they’re passionate about. She’ll also suggest something fun to do that won’t interrupt the night, like stopping for ice cream or popping into an interesting shop that they pass. Not only does it help take the pressure off of the other person, but it also gives you a sense of responsibility for having a good time throughout the night.

Finally Michelle said she always tries to keep an open mind. There are plenty of guys that turned out to be amazing once she got some one-on-one time with them. Even now she’s dating one such guy, and is still great friends with another. Obviously a lot of men and women are guilty of not giving the other the time of day if they don’t feel that “spark” right away. It seems like a waste of time when you don’t feel anything from the get go. But like the “Huffington Post” says, if you’re still single, it’s obvious that your past type hasn’t been working for you.” You’ll never know if there’s something better out there for you unless you give someone new a shot.

Maybe I won’t have a spotless dating record like Michelle, but by changing my own behavior, hopefully I’ll set myself up for some better first dates in the future.

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