2018 Has Been a Year

It has been almost a year since I’ve blogged.  I’ve stopped, well slowed down, for a number of reasons.  One, my job.  I’ve had this job for 4 years, and I love it.  And apparently I’ve been doing a great job, because my supervisor keeps adding on and giving me more responsibility each year.  -_- Second, I’m in graduate school.  The extra time I had is now consumed by reading and writing papers.  Thankfully, I only have one more year to go. Woo-hoo!  Come on May 2019!  Third, I’m also an advisor for my sorority at a local university.  I love it.  It’s a lot of work, but I love my younger sorors and helping them do the work of and learn all about our beloved sisterhood.

Also, 2018 has seen me take my 2nd international trip!  Once my Internship for the summer was complete, I took a 5 day cruise with some friends.  I had a ball!  It was a great trip, I got a tan, and I brought back some alcohol! 🙂

2018 also had the appearance of an old beau.  Someone I dated many moons ago (before Southern Mom passed) reached out, said he was going to be on the East Coast and said that he wanted to see me.  We hung out one weekend, and aside from one minor spat, everything went well.  But now I am regretting that decision.  Just when I think things may start working out in my love life, that’s when sh*t hits the fan, and then I decide that I’m never going to find someone because all the men I meet are jerks.  Or something to that effect.

In any event, I’m in the part of the cycle where I’m over men.  I think I should just stop doing this to myself. Especially since I have so many positive things going on in my life right now.  And honestly, I feel great about everything in my life, except I am not satisfied with being single.  Don’t get me wrong, I would definitely rather be single that be in a toxic relationship; however, it can’t be that hard to find someone that wants what I want and wants me and I want him.  But apparently it is because here I am.

In any event, I’m back at the point where I’m focusing on me.  Which is sort of ironic since about this time last year I was in this same place.  Ah well, such is life.

Until next time, I’m just a Southern girl…in the city!

Value Yourself, Because No One Else Will

Happy Tuesday!  So, I know the title is a bit cliche’, but it’s the truth.

So, this post was going to be about the guy in this post.  And it still will be.  But I’m also thinking about other aspects of my life, in particular work wise.  Let me just say that I love my job, but I sometimes feel undervalued and unappreciated.  But, that’s all about to change!

Now, about the guy.  I finally cut that off.  Yesterday.  And while his parting words were, “I understand”, I felt like he was trying to make himself the victim.  Like the reason why we never moved forward was because of me.  Or through no fault of his.

And yes, in the beginning, he said that he wasn’t looking for a relationship (I wasn’t either), but we just happened to bump into each other after a year.  As time went on, my feelings started to change, and his did, too, according to him.  But if we’re behaving as if we are in a relationship, then we need to re-evaluate or have a discussion.  And we always started, but we never finished, which according to him, is a “bad habit” we have.

So, what did I do regarding this bad habit?  I told him “I’m over trying to talk to you”, and “I’m done.”  His response? “That sounds like something I would say.” (Really???) “I understand.”

While I’m slightly disappointed, I feel like such a big relief.  Honestly, I didn’t really think he was a keeper; I think I was trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.  Yeah, we had some laughs and great times, but he wasn’t the one for me.

You may be saying, “Elle, he told you in the beginning that he didn’t want a relationship.  And if you weren’t satisfied, why did you stay involved with him for so long?”  That’s actually a great question.  Women, and sometimes men, have a habit of staying in dysfunctional situations.  And if we do not make people value us, they don’t.  And it’s easy to stay in places where you are unappreciated and undervalued.  And it’s not to say that the other person is a bad person; it’s just that they are not the one for us or the one we are meant to be with.  It’s up to each individual to determine his/her own worth.  Value yourself and know your worth.

Until next time, I’m just a Southern girl…in the city!

Dating Sucks!

I’m sure I’ve said this a MILLION times before.  And I still stand behind this statement.  I hate when you meet someone new and you have to figure each other out – your quirks, what makes him tick, what you like about him, WHY you like him, etc.  And of course I always say this to myself when someone new comes along and he doesn’t fit into this ideal that I have created.

So, as you guessed it, yes, I met someone new.  Actually, we met last year, texted for a few weeks, then stopped talking.  About a month ago, we ran into each other in these DC streets and have been going pretty steady ever since.  Until we weren’t.  Well, we kinda still are.  Actually, let me explain…

We are COMPLETE opposites!  He’s Northern. I’m Southern.  He’s spontaneous. I’m a planner.  He’s stoic.  I’m jovial.  He uses actions to let me know how he feels (about me).  I use my words to let him know how I feel (about him).  He does not use the word “dating”.  I want to be courted.

The first time we went out, he invited me out to brunch.  We talked for FIVE HOURS over small plates and mimosas.  But, it wasn’t a date. In his mind, using the term “date” presents certain expectations.  And since it wasn’t a date, we went dutch.

Because I still have problems reading men, even at 35, I talked to TyAnthony, who advised that this was not uncommon (to not use the word “date” when getting to know someone).  So, I put on my Big Girl 21st Century Dating Pants and opened myself up to getting to know this man.  So far, it really has been a pretty good experience.  He texts me every day (though I prefer phone calls), and we see each other at least once a week.  He makes me laugh. He makes me think. He challenges me. And yet, something’s missing.  He’s not pursuing me the way I want to be pursued. (That’s the first time I’ve been able to put my feelings into words. I know, shocker!)  And do I cut-off what could potentially be a great guy because he’s not chasing me the way I want to be chased?

There was a whole lot more I was prepared to share, but I think that next to last sentence pretty much sums up what I’m feeling.  I will say that earlier last week I shared with him that I felt that I was planning most of our…outings. He chuckled and said, “I didn’t know we were keeping count.” I gave him the side-eye.  He did hear me.  I worked late the next day, and the next thing I know, he sends me a text saying that he’s 5 minutes away from my job. Totally impromptu and we hung out for a bit.  I did appreciate that, it brought a smile to my face, and gave me warm fuzzies on the inside.

So, where am I now?  I don’t know.  Yesterday, I was ready to write ol’ boy off and be completely done.  Today, now that I’ve had time to re-assess and think about what has happened in this short time span?  I’m still willing to give him a chance, especially since I have been known to cut dudes off when they do one thing that I don’t like (I know; I should do better).  It may be my defense mechanism so I don’t get too close to anyone.  I am talking to TyAnthony tonight to get more clarification and some feedback.  If anyone knows me and appreciates my quirks, it’s him.

Until next time, I’m just a Southern girl…in the city!

 

You’re Bad For My Spirit

The older I have gotten, I have realized that, in dealing with the opposite sex, that it is of the utmost importance to take care of yourself first.  Not your man.  Not your woman. No one else but you. YOU.  If you allow them, people will suck the life out of you and take all of  you.  Why?  Because people are selfish as f*ck.

About two years ago, I met a guy (I’m sure I’ve referenced him here before; I just don’t feel like going back and linking previous posts) at an alumni event.  The first year passed without much incident. That second year…. We went on dates, we hung out, we laughed, things were good. Until they weren’t.  The last time he and I spoke in August, I told him that we should make a clean break, and if we see each other in the street, we say “What’s up?” and keep it moving.

Earlier this week, my phone rings.  I think it’s my eye doctor, so I answer. It’s this dude. (Huh????) He says he’s calling to find out if I’m going to a football game our alma mater is having later this month and that I crossed his mind and he thought about me.  I asked him if he remembered our last conversation, to which he replied yes.  This is then how the conversation went:

Me: If you remembered then I don’t think you would be calling me. 

Him: Why do you say that? 

Me: Because I told you that we should make a clean break.  But here you are calling me after three months.  A few weeks after our conversation, I told a friend of mine about you, and she was playing devil’s advocate.  She thought that maybe I should give you the benefit of the doubt and that I didn’t make myself clear with what I wanted while we were dealing with each other.  

Him: OK.

Me: So that there is no confusion, I don’t like talking to you.  You’re bad for my spirit.

Him: Oh, that’s cryptic. 

Me: How so?  

Him: Uhhhhh…

Me: If you don’t understand, say so so that I can explain it to you. 

Him: I don’t understand. 

Me: Then I’ll explain it to you.  I’m in my 30s. I’m passed the point in my life where I’m dating just to date.   And I’m done going back and forth with you.  Over the past two years, it’s been up and down and sometimes we’re dating and sometimes we’re not. So we just need to cut our losses and keep it moving. 

Him: Ok.

Me: So, again, so that I can make it clear, I don’t want to be your friend.  You keep popping back up in my life and I’ve got way too much going on to try to figure out what you want from me every few months.  So you have fun with whatever you’re doing tonight, tomorrow, whenever. Bye.

Today, this post is for ladies in general.  Single ladies in particular. Those single ladies that have had to deal with men that take us for granted.  Those men that feel they can play with our emotions.  Those men that are sometime-y.  Those men that are non-committal. Those men that feel like they can treat us any ol’ type of way.  And think that we are going to stay around to put up with it. Take back yourself, ladies. Take back your strength. Take back your independence. Take back your courage. And let these men know that we’re not putting up with their sh*t anymore.  We deserve better.  And these boys that think they’re men are going to continue to treat us this way if we allow it.  So demand better.  Treat yourself better.  You deserve it.  Don’t let these boys mess with your spirit; they’re not worth it.

Until next time, I’m just a Southern girl…in the city.

I Should Have Stayed On My Hiatus

Awhile back a dude approached me.  He seemed nice, was attractive, and said all the right things.  Despite my reservations, we became official.  He talked a good game – he was older and divorced but stated he was tired of dating and wanted to re-marry.  And was open to having more children (he already has one).  So, I decided to be open and give a relationship with him a go.  After not hearing from him for 72 hours (yes I called and left a message), I decided that I was done and whatever we had was over.  Which apparently was on his mind as well, because he decided to tell me that I could date other people…via a text message.  (I swear I can’t make this stuff up.)  I feel like he took the coward’s way out.  He’s a man of a certain age, so he should at least have been ballsy enough to pick up the phone.  Yes, I understand that this may not seem like a big deal to some, but it was for me.  Despite the fact I let my guard down and opened up to this man, I told myself that 2016 was the Year of Elle.  No dating, no relationships-just focusing on myself and school.  They always say that love comes when you least expect it, and please believe I was not expecting this man to walk into my life.  However, I should have known to trust my gut.  And if that leads to others thinking I’m cynical, I don’t care.  I’d rather protect my heart than to look like a fool.

Oh, and the guy from this post….GREAT conversation last night!  Because long distance relationships have not worked for him in the past, he will not date me because we live 6 hours apart.  Which I’m totally ok with.  I said we could just be friends and that would be fine by me.  However… he ended the conversation with, “Good night, beautiful”.  I had to let him know that that was not acceptable; we’re not dating, and we’re just friends, so there’s no need to blur the lines with terms of endearment.

No more dating for Elle in 2016.  I mean it.  I am TOTALLY going to focus on me and getting my stuff together for school, my physical health, and my mental capacity.  I just don’t have the energy anymore to put into “potentials” that may not go anywhere.  Until next time, I’m just a Southern girl…in the city!