You’re Bad For My Spirit

The older I have gotten, I have realized that, in dealing with the opposite sex, that it is of the utmost importance to take care of yourself first.  Not your man.  Not your woman. No one else but you. YOU.  If you allow them, people will suck the life out of you and take all of  you.  Why?  Because people are selfish as f*ck.

About two years ago, I met a guy (I’m sure I’ve referenced him here before; I just don’t feel like going back and linking previous posts) at an alumni event.  The first year passed without much incident. That second year…. We went on dates, we hung out, we laughed, things were good. Until they weren’t.  The last time he and I spoke in August, I told him that we should make a clean break, and if we see each other in the street, we say “What’s up?” and keep it moving.

Earlier this week, my phone rings.  I think it’s my eye doctor, so I answer. It’s this dude. (Huh????) He says he’s calling to find out if I’m going to a football game our alma mater is having later this month and that I crossed his mind and he thought about me.  I asked him if he remembered our last conversation, to which he replied yes.  This is then how the conversation went:

Me: If you remembered then I don’t think you would be calling me. 

Him: Why do you say that? 

Me: Because I told you that we should make a clean break.  But here you are calling me after three months.  A few weeks after our conversation, I told a friend of mine about you, and she was playing devil’s advocate.  She thought that maybe I should give you the benefit of the doubt and that I didn’t make myself clear with what I wanted while we were dealing with each other.  

Him: OK.

Me: So that there is no confusion, I don’t like talking to you.  You’re bad for my spirit.

Him: Oh, that’s cryptic. 

Me: How so?  

Him: Uhhhhh…

Me: If you don’t understand, say so so that I can explain it to you. 

Him: I don’t understand. 

Me: Then I’ll explain it to you.  I’m in my 30s. I’m passed the point in my life where I’m dating just to date.   And I’m done going back and forth with you.  Over the past two years, it’s been up and down and sometimes we’re dating and sometimes we’re not. So we just need to cut our losses and keep it moving. 

Him: Ok.

Me: So, again, so that I can make it clear, I don’t want to be your friend.  You keep popping back up in my life and I’ve got way too much going on to try to figure out what you want from me every few months.  So you have fun with whatever you’re doing tonight, tomorrow, whenever. Bye.

Today, this post is for ladies in general.  Single ladies in particular. Those single ladies that have had to deal with men that take us for granted.  Those men that feel they can play with our emotions.  Those men that are sometime-y.  Those men that are non-committal. Those men that feel like they can treat us any ol’ type of way.  And think that we are going to stay around to put up with it. Take back yourself, ladies. Take back your strength. Take back your independence. Take back your courage. And let these men know that we’re not putting up with their sh*t anymore.  We deserve better.  And these boys that think they’re men are going to continue to treat us this way if we allow it.  So demand better.  Treat yourself better.  You deserve it.  Don’t let these boys mess with your spirit; they’re not worth it.

Until next time, I’m just a Southern girl…in the city.

Companion: Requested 

This weekend I hung out with a sorority sister of mine that I have not seen in AGES!  It was to the point that she had me paranoid and thinking I had done something to her because it had been so long since we’ve seen each other. She’s a few years younger than me and is engaged. I love her and her fiancée and their relationship.  They have the same goals and he has helped her realize some of her dreams.

As it typically goes when I catch up with a girlfriend that I haven’t seen in a long time, she asked me the predictable question-“So, are you seeing anyone?” Surprisingly Sadly Fortunately Hell, I just told her “no”.  After running down the last few guys that had my attention within the past year, I told her that “I really just want a partner. A companion. I don’t need a guy to spend money on me or buy me a house or get me things.  I can do that myself. I want a man who can be my support, someone that I can depend on, and who can be there during the rough times.  And I want to be the same for him.  And at the end of the day, we pool our resources together to get a bigger house and more resources to raise our family.  It would be  so much easier if guys got that.”

Her response? “Elle, that’s the perfect description of what a relationship is. (The companion piece)”

So, to the single men reading this, that’s really what women want. Well, that’s what this woman wants.  Sure, we need to date and communicate and do things together. And yes, I would love to get “just because” flowers or get taken out for a night out or just do something with just the two of us. But when it’s all said and done-you need to be working on making me a life partner.  The end.

Until next time, I’m just a Southern girl…in the city.

“You’ve Got a Great Personality!”

These are the words that were spoken to me yesterday by a co-worker before she stated she couldn’t understand why I’m still single.  I love her to life, she’s funny, and we play off of each other ALL DAY.  But almost of the blue yesterday, she made mention that she was talking to her husband (lovely man) about me this past weekend during their discussion of relationships.

But in addition to my having a “great personality”, apparently I’m too picky.  These words are like hearing, “You’re pretty-for a big girl.”  I immediately responded and told her that I’m not picky-I’m selective, and I’m not going to be a relationship with someone just because.  My last ex-boyfriend (I used that word VERY loosely) couldn’t understand that (that’s why he’s an ex), but maybe my co-worker will.  Not that it’s really any of her business.  I know she means well, but I’ve (somewhat) gotten to a place where I am truly happy working on Elle and am ok with being single.

Sure there are days where I desire the love and affection of a mate.  But I’m not willing to compromise myself to get it.  And just because I’m in my 30s doesn’t mean I’m going to start accepting any old thing that comes my way because I feel like time is running out.  When things like that happen, we make our situations MUCH worse.  And at times we end of not only disrupting our lives but also the lives of others.

So, in short, if you know someone who is single, just let them live.  If they are interested in you searching for someone for them or want to discuss their love life (or lack thereof), they’ll let you know.

Until next time, I’m just a Southern girl…in the city!

I Should Have Stayed On My Hiatus

Awhile back a dude approached me.  He seemed nice, was attractive, and said all the right things.  Despite my reservations, we became official.  He talked a good game – he was older and divorced but stated he was tired of dating and wanted to re-marry.  And was open to having more children (he already has one).  So, I decided to be open and give a relationship with him a go.  After not hearing from him for 72 hours (yes I called and left a message), I decided that I was done and whatever we had was over.  Which apparently was on his mind as well, because he decided to tell me that I could date other people…via a text message.  (I swear I can’t make this stuff up.)  I feel like he took the coward’s way out.  He’s a man of a certain age, so he should at least have been ballsy enough to pick up the phone.  Yes, I understand that this may not seem like a big deal to some, but it was for me.  Despite the fact I let my guard down and opened up to this man, I told myself that 2016 was the Year of Elle.  No dating, no relationships-just focusing on myself and school.  They always say that love comes when you least expect it, and please believe I was not expecting this man to walk into my life.  However, I should have known to trust my gut.  And if that leads to others thinking I’m cynical, I don’t care.  I’d rather protect my heart than to look like a fool.

Oh, and the guy from this post….GREAT conversation last night!  Because long distance relationships have not worked for him in the past, he will not date me because we live 6 hours apart.  Which I’m totally ok with.  I said we could just be friends and that would be fine by me.  However… he ended the conversation with, “Good night, beautiful”.  I had to let him know that that was not acceptable; we’re not dating, and we’re just friends, so there’s no need to blur the lines with terms of endearment.

No more dating for Elle in 2016.  I mean it.  I am TOTALLY going to focus on me and getting my stuff together for school, my physical health, and my mental capacity.  I just don’t have the energy anymore to put into “potentials” that may not go anywhere.  Until next time, I’m just a Southern girl…in the city!

 

So, I May Have Been a B*tch

….but I don’t really think so.  Let me give a little background.

(Oh, first, HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!  I hope you all had a great holiday season!  Ok, back to this post.)

I met a guy in late 2014. After going back and forth multiple times with nothing ever panning out, he reaches out to me a year after we met.  Homeboy has done a COMPLETE 180-texts every day, calls me at night (like 6 pm-after-work-night, not 11 pm-booty-call-time-night), is real anxious to take me out.  Then he disappears.  And re-appears.  And disappears.  And re-appears.  Most recently, he invited me over this weekend and cooked for me.  I REALLY wanted to say “No” (he’s inconsistent, plus, I told myself I’m not dating in 2016), but homeboy said steak.  I mean, it’s not like it was chicken; it was a freakin’ steak!  So after church, I moseyed on over and we broke bread. And watched movies.  Until I had to go.  (Previous plans and always keep them wanting more.)

Before I left, we made plans to go to the movies this week.  He was supposed to call and let me know what time he was picking me up.  We talked about chivalry and how it wasn’t dead and how he was going to do better (in the being a gentleman department).  After pushing our movie date back by a day after I texted and asked what time I need to be ready, I called him last night on my way home to find out what time he was coming to pick me up.  He said he was still in “work mode” and hadn’t really thought about it.  I said, cool, but when you figure it out, call me, ask me out, and let me know what time I need to be ready.  Now, this is where the b*tch part comes in.

I could have EASILY done some things around the house and waited for homeboy to call me.  But noooooooo…..I find look for a link that gives tips on being chivalrous and send it to him.  (Now say it with me, “Oh, Elle”.)  I thought it might be comical, and I even prefaced it by saying, “Since we were discussing this earlier this week…” so it wouldn’t seem (as) harsh.   Can you believe homeboy then sent a message saying he was too STRESSED to go out, but that he appreciated me and that he was going to work on him???  So my text may have been a little itchy with a “b” in front of it.  And it doesn’t help that Southern Cousin AND Southern Dad have said that I may be too hard on guys.  But shoot, if a little text message about chivalry stresses you out, you probably don’t need to go out with me (or anybody else) anyway.

While I was a little shocked at first, you know, I’m actually kinda glad he bailed.  I definitely dodged a bullet.  What bullet?  It doesn’t matter.  Homeboy wasn’t stable/consistent anyway and most certainly is not the type of man that I need in my life.  Hasta luego….or not.

Until next time, I’m just a Southern girl…in the city!

 

The Beginning of Something New

At the end of 2014, I met a guy.  We spoke, we laughed, we joked, but we didn’t take things seriously, and eventually, we stopped communicating.  Or maybe I didn’t take things seriously.  He was significantly younger than me, plus he lived 6 hours away.  Not to mention I wasn’t really focused on dating since I had way too much going on in other aspects of my life.  Fast forward 5 months, and we start talking again.  During the month of July we hangout for an extended amount of time.  What I thought might be awkward wasn’t.  It may have been the most comfortable I’ve felt with a man ever.  It was at that time, homeboy realized he was serious about me.  Like REALLY serious.  And as TyAnthony likes to accuse me of, I enjoyed the attention, I’ll admit.  And I have been known to date men because of how much they are in to me and not necessarily because I’m into them.  So, I had to think and reflect – did I like this guy?  If I did like him, was it genuine?  Or, once again, did I like him based on how much he liked me?  And, did I even want to like him?

I have been known to keep a wall up.  I thought this was something only I knew, but TyAnthony and Antonio  called me out on it. So, after awhile, I decided if homeboy was going to be serious, I was going to be serious, too. Let my guard down, be open and honest, and lay my cards on the table.  So I am slowly giving him all of me.

So far so good, although two potential things (well really one) almost put a halt on things.  Well, maybe they were more to serve as a distraction.  First, a few weeks ago, I met a man while I was out with my linesisters.  We struck up a conversation, exchanged numbers, and made plans to hang out.  We danced, and his parting words were, “I’m not looking to be your friend. I’m looking for my life partner.”  Well, seemed like I was batting 1000 because you all know I like to keep my options open.  Sad to say, after one outing, ol’ boy disappeared.  Honestly, it was probably for the best as he has one non-negotiable that is at the top of my list.  The second distraction was an old beau that called out of the random blue.  (I probably should change my phone number.)

In any event, I decided to be open.  I had to tell myself, “Elle, if this man is really into you, he’s telling you the right things, more importantly DOING the right things, give him a chance and be open.”  So, that’s what we’re doing.  Yes, I told him about this blog, but I doubt that he has read it yet.  (Just my luck he’ll read this post.)  Anyway, wish me luck.  I am excited to see what happens.  Until next time, I’m just a Southern girl…in the city!

Just Say No

Over the years, I have been in numerous weddings.  I have so enjoyed celebrating my friends as they decide to embark on their journey to become wives.  Most recently, I will be in a wedding this weekend.  And even though the bride and I haven’t known each other long, she and I made a real connection.  I often refer to her as the little sister I never had.  We have a lot in common, hang out on a pretty regular basis, and now we are neighbors.  I definitely learn from her and her groom, and I hope that they learn from me.

Not to sound too cliche’, but when you get a number of women together, things don’t always work out the way you want them to.  Now, I have prided myself on not getting caught up in the petty/insignificant/crazy things that groups of women sometimes get themselves into.  I’m pretty good about letting things roll off my back.  Not to mention that I don’t have those type of women in the circles.

But let me back up and offer some sage advice.  When someone asks you to be in their wedding, it’s MUCH more than just buying a dress (or renting a tux) and standing next to your ace while she/he exchanges vows.  It’s a time AND financial commitment.  At minimum, in addition to your dress and shoes, you’re also going to have to chip in for a bachelorette party and/or bridal shower.  And with the way society is now, the bride may want to do a trip.  And it is the one time (aside from you being married and/or having children) that you have to be unselfish and put someone else before you. Like you can’t complain, can’t whine, can’t say you don’t like your dress/hair/nails. Why?  Because it’s not about you!

In addition to you being unselfish, you have to put up.  Not put up or shut up-just put up.  Celebrating the bride isn’t cheap.  Not only do you have to budget for your dress/shoes/jewelry, you will most likely have to get a hotel room/airfare ticket and contribute to her bridal shower and bachelorette party.  Not only do you shower the bride with gifts, but you also have to support her last days as a “free” woman.  When you don’t contribute, you put undo pressure on the other members of the bridal party.  Let me tell you a story…(don’t worry, it’s short)

A few years back, I was my cousin’s Maid of Honor at her wedding. Her bachelorette party and bridal shower took place over one weekend in Atlanta.  Why?  She was the only person that lived there, and everyone was traveling to attend.  Out of 8 bridesmaids, only 1 contributed to her weekend, which consisted of dinner, clubbing, drinks, bridal shower, and dance class.  I never told my cousin.  And even though she and my aunt offered to contribute, I didn’t take their money.  Why?  Because it’s her day and she shouldn’t have to worry about that.  And that wasn’t her job.  Her job was to enjoy being celebrated with no worries.

With the wedding I’m going to be in this weekend, I won’t go into too many details.  I’ll just say one person still owes me money for events that have taken place and another told me that she can’t contribute anymore (we have one last event scheduled with the bride and groom) as she is in a wedding next weekend as well and is tapped out.

All of these instances have told me that I need to learn to say “No”.  From now on, if a family member/friend/loved one/soror asks me to be in her wedding, I’m going to decline.  And it’s not because I don’t love them; it’s because not everyone in the wedding party realizes the commitment that she is agreeing to.  And just because someone didn’t plan properly (or because they’re a slacker) does not mean that I should make undo sacrifices. I’m not here to take care of grown people.

Now, I’ll admit that this blog may not be the best way to communicate that, but….yeah, it is the best way to communicate this.  Because I’m here to share my story.  And I feel that people who are involved in my life (the good, the bad, and the ugly) unofficially sign up to become a part of that story.  It is never my intent to embarrass or call out folks; I don’t name names-that’s messy.

Oh, and my own wedding (when that day comes)?  I’ll be on a beach somewhere with my boo and our parents. The few people that I have shared this with in the last 12 hours think I’m crazy, and I’ll change my mind.  Not to mention it totally goes against the next to last line in this post.  The older you get, you realize what’s really important.  And me stressing over somebody else’s wedding because people can’t contribute is not at the top of my list of priorities.

Until next time, I’m just a Southern girl…in the city.