Is This Appropriate?

As a single woman (who hopes to one day not be single), I am always cognizant of attractive (single) men.  (Well, always may be a stretch…)  Let’s just say I pay attention to my surroundings.  So when I went out with my neighbor Saturday night and one of her friends joined us, I noticed he was cute AND ringless on the finger where it mattered.  But alas, sad to say, he was married. 

After the UFC fight was over (after midnight), my neighbor (we’ll call her Erica) asked her married, ringless friend (we’ll call him Sean) to give us a ride home.  Sean agreed, and we all trooped out to his car.  Once we were all buckled in, Sean decided he wasn’t ready to go home yet.  After driving around (and some convincing from Sean since Erica and I were sleepy), we settled at a bar on U St.  While enjoying our drinks and hanging out, Sean asked us what was the freakiest thing we had ever done. o_O Say what now???  You guys don’t need to know what exactly was said; let’s just say we engaged in dialogue that, in my opinion, should not have been had between a married man and a woman that was not his wife.  We stayed at said bar until the lights came on, and then we left.  I think I got home around 3 in the morning. 

Sad to say, this is not the first time some woman’s husband has approached me from left field.  I’ve been propositioned, hit on, flirted with, and even told that an ex-girlfriend said it was painful to be with him (you get what I’m saying).  As I commented on Facebook yesterday, men and women can be doggish.  But I always give the side eye to men who are a little too forthcoming with information and a little too flirtatious.  And, as it was also pointed out to me, I will be married some day.  And I believe Karma is a mean, ugly b—-, and she comes back with a vengeance.  Would I want my husband to have these type of conversations with another woman?  Absolutely not.  Are these types of conversations appropriate?  IMHO, no. 

Since Erica didn’t have the answer to why he didn’t wear a ring, I asked Sean.  His response was, “I don’t wear rings, so I don’t have a wedding band.  And sometimes bands attract more women that not wearing one does.  Actually, none of my boys that are married wear one.”  But to me, a band is not for other women; it’s for your wife-as a symbol of your commitment to each other.  Sean said he’s never cheated on his wife, and she must be REALLY understanding if he can stay out til 3 o’clock in the morning.

So, am I completely innocent in the events of Saturday?  Sadly, no, but after writing this  out and doing some reflection, I realize that I need to do better.  Just because I’m a flirt by nature doesn’t mean I have the right to flirt with someone else’s husband, no matter how innocent it may appear to be and if he is the instigator.  Some people may not think anything is wrong with the scenario from this weekend.  As Erica told me, we don’t know the rules of their relationship.  Sean’s wife may be fine with him being out all hours of the night….without her.  I’m not sure I could ever be that understanding.  Until next time, I’m just a Southern girl…in the city.

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8 Comments

  1. Sadly alot of married men and women participate in inappropriate behavior. As a married woman I don’t mind my husband hanging out without me, but I wouldn’t be ok with him hanging with two women single or not. It’s obvious where the night could have gone, if you all would have allowed it to.

    I see your point about a ring, and what you’re saying makes sense. However my husband does’t consistently wear his. With his old job he was in an accident and I met him in the emergency room. His finger was smashed and the ring could have been a liability due to the work he did with equipment. Honestly there are times I take mine off and forget to put it back on. Actually I haven’t had it on for a few weeks now, but it’s not intentional. I don’t wear jewelry. I will say this if it bothered my husband or if it really bothered me the rings would be on!

  2. It is hard to look at someone’s situation from your world view and understand it, the best you can do is adjust your reaction and behavior based on what you feel is approriate. So once you find out a married man is acting more than you feel comfortable with you kill the interaction. You can’t control anyone’s behavior, but your own.

  3. Here’s my 2 cents… There are so many unknowns that it’s hard to judge the situation. The biggest one is you don’t know the nature of the relationship between the husband and wife. Even if the conversation was inappropriate, did he proposition you and Erica? When he took you gals home, did he ask to come in? So yes he was flirting, but at the end of the day he went home to his wife. Perhaps her easy going nature and trust in him, is why he goes home to her. Maybe they have an open marriage. Who knows…

    In my younger days, the realm of appropriateness was a lot narrower. I would have demanded my man wear his ring or not go out with any women. As I’ve aged, I realized that no one wants to come home to someone who questions them to death about their whereabouts. Granted I’m not married, but I find being easy going keeps a man coming back. That doesn’t mean be a doormat or accept your man disrespecting you.

  4. As a single woman who spends alot of time with married men away from their wives due to the nature of my job (I’m in the military), I’ve found that alot of the married men who behave a little too freely with single women, or just women other than their wives in general, do so because they are victims of that “grass is greener” stigma, ie. they are curious about something they perceive they are missing or they’re looking for a temporary escape from their current situation. Sometimes they have no intentions of actually ACTING on these thoughts, but still find it fun and enticing to think to themselves “What if I….” (you fill in the blanks). Personally, I think these thoughts only lead to trouble. You start opening doors, even with (mostly) innocent intentions, and you might not like what you find behind there OR the end result that follows. Sometimes they really DO have a situation where they are “missing out” on something because maybe they are in a loveless marriage or have a wife who is taking them for granted. Either way, it’s your choice whether you want to walk down that road with them, the road of “what ifs” and “maybes” that can lead to places unknown. I choose not to. Beyond that, I agree with Jina: you can’t control anyone’s behaviour but your own. Conversation probably was a bit inappropriate, but if his wife is cool with it then it’s no sweat off your back what he does and doesn’t do. As long as he didn’t try to HIDE the fact that he is married, he did not force you into doing something wrong or that you feel is inappropriate without proper forewarning of the whole situation. THAT is the dirtier one, where he doesn’t even tell you and then you become an adulterer by default without even knowing!

    In the meantime, stay strong girl… I’m out here with u and I feel your pain!

  5. Flirting is harmless – married or not. My husband does NOT wear a wedding band, which makes no difference to me. If he wants to stay out till 3am, so be it – he has never given me a reason to distrust him. I do wear a wedding band and my diamond, and that doesn’t stop single people from flirting with me. Sometimes I will flirt back because it’s just fun. But what this guy did went beyond flirting. Emotional cheating is sometimes worse than physically cheating, which this guy should be careful of if this is his approach with women other than his wife.

    You deserve so much better.

  6. This is “Erica”. “Sean” isn’t a bad guy and before we run him over with the bus, I need to clarify a few points to the story. One, I was the only want who wanted to go home. Ms Elle caught her second wind and wanted to hang out. Two, he asked what the “craziest” thing you’ve every done sexually, not “freakiest”. It was part of a conversation we were having about dating, so it wasn’t a completely left field question. His story was actually hilarious and not pornographic.

    That being said perhaps it was an inappropriate question since he didn’t know Elle that well. He may have been friendly, but I wouldn’t go as far as emotionally cheating. I’ve hung out with “Sean” several times in group settings. He’s never tried to do anything with me, he’s never asked to come over to my house to hang out, and he’s never sent me inappropriate messages/texts.

    A great quote someone once said it’s not what your man says when you’re around, it’s what he says when you aren’t around. I haven’t met his wife, only b/c it so happens I’m never able to hang out when she’s around. However, he talks about her a lot and the phrase he uses the most is that she’s cool. I’ve never heard him say one disparaging thing about her.

    Maybe he was inappropriate, but let’s also not judge someone else’s marriage through our value lens.

    • (I had a great response all typed out, and of course, WordPress didn’t save it! So I’m going to try to go from memory.)

      Yes, I knew a response from me was due after Erica’s comment. Now, I’m clearly not trying to throw Sean under the bus. If memory serves me correctly, I made mention of being tired first, but because I didn’t want to be a party pooper, I said I got my second wind. I never claimed any innocence in the situation. And Sean isn’t a bad guy. Would I hang out with him again in a group setting? Yes. Would I hang out with him with just me and Erica (or any other woman other than his wife) into the wee hours of the morning? Probably not.

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