Southern Mom is in town visiting, so I’ve been playing hostess/tourist. While I have a few moments, I’ll continue posting in my “Weight and Dating” series. Today we hear from Ms. Jenn and Dez.
Ms. Jenn is a 28 year old woman who is born, raised, and currently living in Washington, DC.
I’ve been in a relationship for the past 6 years, and I am a size 18.
I would like to start by saying I’m honored to render my opinions on this topic. It’s the story of my frigging life. I absolutely, positively, 100% find plus size men attractive. My first crush was Ice Cube in “Boyz in the Hood”, and we all know he was rocking a lil baby fat in ‘91. In fact it is my preference to date bigger men…could this be because I’m a bigger gal? I’ve often asked myself this, and I’ve decided that my weight has nothing to do with it. Aesthetically, I enjoy the look of a bigger man’s body, the softness of his belly, and the way his clothes fit him as opposed to just hanging on a thin frame. Again these are just my opinions not the gospel!
So since I feel this way about big men it’s obvious that I will date them. The man I’ve been dating for the past 6 years is plus sized, and I love all 280 lbs. of him! I love the way he looks in and out of his clothes and find that he pays attention to that and shows off for me!
So would I encourage him to loose weight? Only if I was ASKED to solicit my opinion! When my mate got into a car accident 2 years ago, he sustained a knee injury that kept him off work and on the couch for 6 months. Needless to say…he picked up about 25 lbs. Now I didn’t mind it a bit, but he complained about the extra pounds and said it was affecting his asthma. He asked me if I would jog with him and change the cooking until he came off the weight. I did, and within weeks of doing that and him going back to work, the pounds were gone, and I was back to the regular program. I’m just saying its not about weight…its about being comfortable and confident with yourself and going for what you really like instead of being bothered with other folks’ shallow bull. Live life on your own terms and embrace all of yourself.
Dez is a 32 year old newly engaged man hailing from Hilton Head, SC that currently lives in Atlanta, GA.
My response to this subject is that we are living in a superficial world where everyone thinks that you need to be a certain size in order to be found attractive. Females have it extra hard because of the things that we see on television and in the movies, but for me my fiancé is not a size 6 but she has the perfect body for me. I consider my fiancé a curvy female and that is my preference. Living in Atlanta, I definitely see all kinds of shapes and sizes and a lot of females that live here actually work out non-stop. My fiancé works out in order to maintain her figure. I honestly feel that if a person wants to get in shape it should be for the right reasons, such as living a longer life, living healthier, and eating better. Getting in shape shouldn’t come as a result of trying to find someone to date.
Why is it females who are considered plus size are insecure about their appearance? I know plenty of females who are larger than their other halves, but also they are all African American as opposed to other races. African American men tend to like females that have a little size to them. In my book, I feel as long as you are happy with the way you look and you are healthy, a woman should not have to alter her looks in order to find someone to date or to be accepted into society.
Thanks to Jenn and Dez for their participation. We’re almost done with our series, then I’ll be sharing my personal thoughts. Until next time, I’m just a Southern girl…in the city!
Southern Girl in the City 
These two folk are enablers. I am glad they have found happiness, but I hope the Sisters of size who are reading this blog do not take their opinions to heart. YES, there is someone for everyone and YES there lots of women of size who get married and have wonderful love lives. However, women of size have to ask themselves if the men they are attracted to are attracted to what women of size bring to the table (no pun intended). If they guys they like are typically into smaller women, the women of size have a decision to make. They could a) lose some weight to become more attractive to the men they like, b) widen the array of men they are attracted to, or c) hold out for the ideal dude in their ideal category who likes plus size Sisters. There is NOTHING wrong with losing weight to become more physically attractive as long as the weight is lost in a healthy manner.
I agree that the media projects images of body types that are unhealthy and unrealistic. I also think lots of people are superficial and unwilling to consider people who do not fall into their narrow idea of what an ideal mate should be. Be that as it may, we should not metaphorically pat Sisters of size on the head and tell them everything is okay when often times it is not.
Laquvionte:
I respect your opinion, but I don’t agree with it. It sounds like you have a lot of animosity toward larger women and those who are attracted to them and vice-versa. Please clarify your stance – are you saying that larger people have to be prepared to lose weight in order to become more attractive if they don’t want to wander to the ends of the earth in search of a mate? Or are you saying that larger women are unhealthy and thus should be prepared to shed pounds thusly?
I used to be a size 12-14, which is not a substantial size, but it was really large for me. I didn’t eat well and I was more fat than muscle. After losing 40 pounds, I am now a size 8-10 – all muscle, hardly any fat. I run marathons and do zumba and ballet, so I have seen all ends of the spectrum. I have seen skinny “fat” people and “fat” fit people. I think I look better being smaller, but not a lot of people think so. My husband of almost 9 years thought I looked good then and he thinks I look good now. When I was larger, I didn’t feel good about the way I looked, so I didn’t carry myself well. When I lost all of the weight a few years ago, I felt great about myself and carried myself better. A lot more people were attracted to that me instead of the down, “fat” me. How is the social scene any different from that? I don’t think that it is, but you sound like you think that it is.
I think what this social experiment has taught us – if anything – is that we attract by our brains, wit, charisma, and interactions with one another. When you’re thinking about your long-term partner, looks fade, so you have to make sure that what you’re left with isn’t just pure foolishness…
i think your closing is correct Southern Cousin.. looks fade. to me, it’s about health. I want a mate that will be around for the long haul, for both me and future children. being incredibly overweight is about preventative care. I don’t care where a larger person has to search for love, it’s the long haul that’s important. Would you prefer to find love immediately and then live a short life with that love because you chose not to take good care of your heart and lungs as well as your liver by carrying unnecessary weight? I don’t think the first poster had any animosity.. she was just being blunt. Not everything has to be “sugar coated” and that pun was intended.
If the men who like plus sized women are at the end of the earth.. then that’s where one should go who isn’t interested in not being plus sized. If you’re a woman who want’s to pull a basketball player, you don’t spend your time at swim meets.
In the end, it’s not about size.. but the amount of fat in relation to muscle on your body. As you said.. you’ve seen fat fit people. Each person has to do what works for them in order to be physically fit so that their internal working parts can function. If you’ve ever seen biggest loser in the episodes where they do body scans, you can see fat impinging upon arteries and organs inside their bodies. At certain body mass indexes (both high and low) women have more difficulty getting pregnant. Also… as you said, you didn’t feel good about yourself at a larger weight. Often people with weight issues do have self esteem problems. When you’re not confident.. that also deters others from seeing the positive. What’s the old saying? “If you don’t love you, no one else will.”
To me, this is not just an issue of someone preferring a specific breast size.. color of hair.. or anything aesthetic like that. I do not believe excessive fat to be an accessory.
I do not have any problem with Sisters of size. I am not attracted to them as a whole. I am a huge fan of minus size women (2-10). It should be noted that Jill Scott is the exception. I would holla at her big fine ass in a minute. Anyway, I think Black folk as a whole need to stop enabling each other. Some Sisters need to lose weight be healthy and get a man. Some men need to get a better job and more education to get the type of Sister they are looking for. There is nothing wrong with bettering yourself naturally to improve your level of attractiveness to the opposite sex. Naturally is the key word. Cosmetic surgery, illegal jobs, and degrees from degree mills should not be respected.
Black folk need to take a good heard look at each other and keep it real. Stop telling fat girls they are thick and sexy and enabling their potentially unhealthy lifestyle. Stop telling brothers who get overlooked by Sisters that the Sisters are gold diggers or superficial. All other things being even, i do not blame Sisters for choosing a dude with cash and stability. Why settle for less? It should be noted my thoughts apply to slim Sisters who are unhealthy. I tell them they need to get it together too.