I hope you guys had a great weekend! Last I wrote on this here blog, I stated I was not going to be able to attend The DC Quarterly hosted by Paul Brunson due to tickets being sold out. Well, thanks to the generosity of Vanessa Mitchell, I was able to go after all! 🙂 (Thanks, Vanessa!) Thank goodness my new partner-in-crime, Ms. Rasberry, was at The Social as well. We were able to walk around, people watch, and mingle, and she served as my “Wingwoman” in one instance. There was a guy that I thought was attractive, so Ms. Rasberry sauntered over to him, said something about her friend thinking he was attractive, and brought him my way. We had a very nice conversation, I found out he was a Southern boy, and we both felt the same about going out to clubs (we don’t like going) and would prefer to hang out with friends and enjoy nice dialogue. We talked for about 15 minutes, during the speed dating round. When it was over, Southern Boy and his friend proceeded to leave- no asking for the number, no saying it was nice to meet you, nothing. And don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t a cold and ugly walk-away…they just moved along.
Fast forward to later on in the evening about an hour later. A friend of mine was hosting a party at his house, and I invited Ms. Rasberry to come with me. During the course of the evening, I noticed an attractive gentleman looking our way (repeatedly). After a few minutes, he came our way and struck up a conversation. After said gentleman excused himself for a moment, Ms. Rasberry stated she was going to leave when he came back. I asked why. She said it was pretty obvious that he was flirting and was interested in me, and she didn’t want to be a third wheel. By the time he came we had moved on, as the party was winding down and everyone was getting ready to go. We did chat some more before we left and realized that we had mutual friends. But he didn’t ask for the number.
As we were leaving, Ms. Rasberry said something very profound. “Guys won’t seal the deal.” This essentially means that a man will talk to a woman, give her all the signs that he’s interested, but when it’s time to leave, he doesn’t ask to see her again, say he would love to continue the conversation, or ever ask for her number. Things are just left hanging in the air. And I realize that I don’t need to meet a potential suitor at every place I go, but especially at The DC Quarterly, I would have liked SOMEBODY to ask for my number.
So guys, it’s your turn to sound off. What makes you “seal the deal”? Meaning what about a woman will make you want to ask for her number so you can continue to get to know her, whether you’re attracted to her or you’re just looking for a friend (but do guys really just look for platonic female friends? I don’t think so.) And ladies, if you’re feeling me, feel free to sound off, too. Until next time, I’m just a Southern girl…in the city!
Pingback: Tweets that mention Seal the Deal « Southern Girl in the City -- Topsy.com
I have so much to say on this. First of all, thanks for the shout out and link back. 🙂 It was definitely an interesting evening. One guy asked me that night what I thought of the DC dating scene and I told him that I didn’t like it at all. He replied that neither did he. That says a lot right there. We don’t like the scene but this is what we have to work with. So what are we single folks to do?
As for sealing the deal, let’s face it, if a dude doesn’t ask for your number after a lengthy conversation, he’s one of two things: 1) not interested or 2) not confident enough to ask a woman for her number. We certainly don’t want a guy asking if he has no intention of calling and if he can’t ask for the number (or even offer his,) is he the kind of man we want to date?? I don’t know about you, but that’d be a huge NO for me. Here’s the confusion: Men, if you don’t find a woman attractive and have no interest in her, why are you talking to her for 20 minutes? Wouldn’t you rather go talk to someone you ARE attracted to – AND – leave her open to allow someone who does find her attractive to approach her? Stop hogging up folks’ time!
I often hear the argument that men are afraid of rejection too. To that I’d like to say “Get over it! You’re a man! Make a move!” I mean, really. I have no problem with initiating a conversation with a guy. I do that just to be sociable, whether I find a person attractive or not. Still, I am a strong believer in the man being the one to make the approach. Perhaps this mindset will keep me eternally single, but perhaps, just maybe, one day I’ll meet that guy who sees me from across the room and is confident enough to approach. If I’m REALLY lucky, I’ll find him attractive too and he will be taller than I and have nice teeth and smell really good and we’ll have a great conversation and he’ll make me laugh and…well, you get the point.
I think what ends up happening with some guys is they flirt for sport, or they aren’t that interested but they will talk to a woman all night because it makes them look cool. Satisfies their quota for the night.
In this situation, it might be because he was scared you wouldn’t give out your number. People don’t like rejection, so they’ll think, “Will she give me her number or take mine?” And maybe the vibe you were giving off was like, oh you will have to work very hard to get anywhere with me… He’s like nah, not gonna go that route.
I actually don’t ask women for their number at all. But this is because I would prefer for a woman to tell me they’re interested so there are no games involved.
So this will be short. I’ll reply here because I said that I would on twitter.
My tweet: it’s possible: 1-Guys werent as interested as thought, 2-Men:women is in their favor, or 3-Weak OR a Derivative of 1-3.
To provide some food for thought for MsRasberry, not every dude is out on the hunt. Not all, but SOME of the time dudes go out just to be sociable…not pounce on every woman available. Men sometimes test what’s out there vs. What they currently have. I could go ON & ON about the possibilities but I won’t (I have a bunch of scenarios).
Bottom line (for me) is that times have changed. Women want men to recognize this in every form/facet of life UNTIL it comes to being courted – MAYBE because they’re old fashion OR maybe because they don’t want the roles to change to where they have to deal with rejection themselves. Either way, evolution happens in all matters.
I don’t particularly have this problem because I don’t mind approaching women, OR asking for a telephone number if I want it. However, if I don’t get the vibe that she wants me to ask, then I won’t. My personality is one that allows me to “do okay” in social settings, so I have fun regardless. Sometimes I get a number, sometimes it’s a facebook name, and rarely a twitter name.
Point is that when a man has become comfortable with rejection, and acception, then there’s really no pressure. I enjoy the woman’s perspective, in general, but if the conversation hasn’t moved to where I feel she is comfortable with me saying “we…we should…us…” then I just take it that she likes to talk. If that’s is the case and it’s been a good convo, I take it as such and keep it pushing.
Ok this was WAY to long…way longer than I expected…and there’s SO much more that could be said. Excuse all typos, fragments and runons, I’m not spell checking (y’all don’t know me…lol).
@bd – Please believe that I don’t think that all men are “out on the prowl” just as I don’t think that women only go out to get a man. Both sexes are allowed to, and should, go out just for the sake of it – to get out of the house, to meet new people, to hang out with friends, etc. I NEVER go out with the expectation of meeting a man. I don’t want it to be misconstrued that I think that every man should ask for the number of every woman with whom he has a conversation. However, we all know that there’s a difference between a conversation and a CONVERSATION. There’s a difference in body language, in tone, etc. So my thing is, when a CONVERSATION has been had and the deal is not sealed, or no attempt has even been made, there’s an issue. I am not speaking only for myself but for other single woman friends of mine, such as Elle. Thanks for providing a male perspective.
I gotcha. Lol. Sometimes it depends on previous experiences too.
Now this might be a cultural thing (was living in London) but I once talked with a woman for at least an hour at a bar/club asked for her number twice, to which I was rejected twice. Continued conversing until it was time to go, asked before I left, still no. 2 days later, saw her at ANOTHER venue. She stopped me, talked for a while a few times, this time I joked with her about turning me down so many times (wasn’t going to ask again). She just laughed. At the end of the night when we were all leaving, I saw her outside. We spoke some more before everyone was getting cabs, she looked at me and said “your persitence is nil…rubbish even.” what could I do but laugh at her. She gave me the number, went out a few times, she was the coolest chick I met there but we never quite clicked. Couldn’t take her seriously after that. She lost out to an American (or lucked out…lol).
So it’s not just me!!! I’ve had the happened a few times. Once a guy moved with me from game to game at a Playdate event we talked etc…at the end of the night he gave me a hug and said bye. o_O. why would you spend on that time chatting up someone you weren’t feeling???
I’m dealing with a guy right now that’s a lil flirty and texts me every day, calls occasionally, does nice things/favors for me, compliments, etc but has yet to ask me out or anything…. Kanye shrug I don’t get it.
I’m only commenting b/c Elle threatened my life if I don’t. Personally, I’ve never had a problem with a guy “sealing the deal”, as it were. In fact, I’ve had three guys ask for my number just in the last few days and all have or are in the process of scheduling dates. I have always been told that if a man is interested, come hell or highwater, he will find a way to get your digits, and I have always found that to be true. I think perhaps a lot of women put too much pressure on the situation by expecting someone to “seal the deal”. That phrase in itself bothers me a little. I had never even thought of it that way until Elle said it to me. I always just go out and have fun and live my life and men respond to that. When I’m depressed or down on myself or angry, guess what? No numbers.
If a dude doesn’t ask for your number, he’s not interested. It could be because he’s not feeling you, it could be because you turned him off with your attitude/body language/whatever, it could be that he’s weak- but even weak guys will stand at the balcony throwing rocks at the window of a girl he’s crazy about. What it really means is that he’s not the one for you so move on, be yourself, and the numbers will follow. But as long as you think of talking to men as the first step in “sealing the deal”, you’re probably going to be disappointed.
Really, AG??? I threatened your life???
Elle, agindc’s comment “Personally, I’ve never had a problem with a guy “sealing the deal”, as it were.” speaks to what I was saying on FB. This is not an issue for many women. Maybe even MOST women, I don’t know. I totally agree with just going out and being yourself and having fun. I never go out with the expectation of meeting a man. Boy, would I be disappointed if I did! Honestly, there’s no real right or wrong here. An interaction between two people can have any number of outcomes. I think the scenarios of the evening just bugged us b/c it’s a recurring theme – for us.
Oh, and btw, when I initially used the phrase “seal the deal,” the “deal” I was referring to was the number ask/exchange – nothing more.
Ms. Rasberry, you and I have the same definition of “sealing the deal”-asking for somebody’s number or someway you can get in touch with me in the future. I appreciate everyone’s comment, especially the guys. And Ms. AGinDC, don’t get me wrong- I don’t expect to have a dude ask me for my number every time I go out, but because of the nature of the first event, I would expect somebody that I talked to for a significant amount of time to want to continue to get to know me. *shrug* Maybe I’m weird. And quietly, I think “Southern boy” had a little thing for Ms. Rasberry, but we can talk about that offline! 🙂 And like Ms. Rasberry said, it was just a weird night, because we didn’t even talk about the guy who was there to support his friends, felt he had nothing to lose, and proceeded to ask Ms. Rasberry and I questions that were absolutely NONE of his business.
Pingback: One Year Ago Today « Southern Girl in the City